Introducing Toby….

A very big belated Happy New Year to all readers and Sam fans. Sorry that this blog has been awol for some time, but we are hopefully back and can keep you updated to what’s been going on here.

Well 2014 couldn’t have started any better for us. Samuel became a big brother! His little brother Toby was born on 2 January.

TobyToby is a sweetie and we are really enjoying him (although exhausted!). Not sure whether Samuel is that impressed with having a squawking little thing in the house, but I think he’s enjoying his share of cuddles with all the visitors who’ve been popping by to see his little brother.

Toby is a very different baby to what Samuel was, as you might be able to imagine, so we are Sam and toby1learning A LOT! We’ve been very lucky though to have fantastically supportive people around who have just been wonderful (particularly Auntie C who continues to be amazing with her continued love, support and brilliant advice!) .

We are feeling so very blessed to have our wonderful little family.

From all of us at Team Sam headquarters, we wish you all a very happy and very healthy 2014. x

Let’s talk vests

Recently I’ve noticed, while putting Samuel into his age 2-3 popper vests, that really he should be in age 3-4 vests as they are getting a bit snug. I mean afterall, he does turn 3 next month (I may be mentioning that quite a bit lately). They are getting more and more snug fitting, so I decided to look at getting him the next size up.

BUT, the problem is it is quite difficult to buy poppered vests on the high street for age 3-4. I suppose it’s because children of that age/size are expected to be entering into the fun world of potty/toilet training, so no longer want to have their vests poppered up. But the thing is Samuel will always be in nappies and I’m a great fan of these vests because they keep his tummy and sides warm (Samuel can be a very cool young man and I don’t mean in just a cool dude type way), plus when poppered up they protect his gastrostomy button.

I came across a couple of websites that stock vests in the size we want, but then I heard that it is possible to get vests that popper up in such a way that you can easily access the gastrostomy button without having to unpopper the vest at the bottom. Brilliant!

So I looked around and found these ‘Joey’ vests from Rackety’s. Now, they are expensive (which is why I’ve only bought a few to start with) image image- what you would pay for one vest is probably more than what you would pay for a pack of the ‘normal’ ones from the high street, but they are just what we need. It means that Samuel can wear a vest under a jumper or t-shirt and we can easily access his button without having to unbutton his trousers and unpopper and pull up his vest. But it also means that when it’s not in use, his button is protected. Which is handy for when he’s handed over to people for cuddles. I know I should have just bought some size 3-4 vests (which are still very expensive) and made the adjustments myself, but with everything going on at the moment, I just don’t have the time (or the attention span) to do it myself!

Unfortunately the website only had the short sleeved ‘Bruce Willis’ style vests (think Die Hard films – but I don’t think Bruce’s had poppers) in stock, but I will be on the look out for long sleeved ones when they are available. But at least we have these for now (plus they fit him!!). Oh and they are available in white and navy. Pop over to and take a look.

PS This blog post has not been sponsored or paid for. I just thought I would share my new found vest knowledge in case it is useful to someone.

Return of Mr Lashes

I thought I was coming out of my blogging hiatus but my disappearing act yet again proves otherwise. imageThere is so much I always want to tell you about what Samuel has been up to, but finding the focus to properly sit down and type it out is another matter.

Despite the odd hiccup (like Samuel being taken by ambulance to hospital recently due to over sedation & the odd visit from the nice, friendly paramedics), oh and Sam’s current chest infection, things are going OK. We are plodding along as usual. There still feels so much to do before the end of the year and before Samuel’s little brother arrives, but I’m sure hoping it will all come together in time.

The most important thing to tick off the list for this year though is Samuel’s birthday. My boy, my brave, cuddly, beautiful boy will be turning 3. Make sure that you all do something extra special on Sunday 10 November. For us it will be a day of love, cuddles and feeling proud and thankful…I can’t wait.

Here are just a few things that have been keeping us busy recently:

The Midazolam effect

Samuel has been on Midazolam for a very long time. Almost since the beginning in fact. It’s given to him as his emergency medicine when imagehe has had a seizure lasting longer than 10 minutes or a cluster of 4 in 30 minutes (and when I say seizure I mean a focal seizure, not his twitches & jerks). We have a monitor at home that measures his heart rate and saturation levels (oxygen in the blood) which we put Sam on when he’s had this medicine, but at the encouragement of his doctor we would only do spot checks, not leave Samuel on the monitor for a prelonged period. But then we started to do so, leave him on the monitor after Midazolam and the monitor started to show that his SAT levels dropped significantly while he was under Midazolam sedation. Although the first rule is always treat the patient not the monitor, it was hard to ignore what the numbers were saying. So reluctantly the doctor issued us with a perscription of oxygen. So we now have one big 15l cyclinder and four small ones lurking about the place for when he needs it. And he’s needed it. It’s become part of his protocol now that Samuel has oxygen after Midazolam – although to reassure Dr H (in case he’s stumbled over this blog), we always pay attention to what Samuel looks like, his colour & breathing, rather than just focus on what the numbers say. Treat the patient not the monitor. It was disappointing having to have oxygen in the house as we’ve got away without it for so long. But our primary concern, our priority in fact, is Samuel’s comfort, so we won’t complain about it.

Medicine medley

I mentioned before that we were looking to wean Samuel off Clobazam. It is a medicine he has been on for a while, it is a strong medicine and a sister drug to Midazolam, Samuel’s ‘emergency’ medicine. The doctors were concerned about the two medicines conflicting with each other and adding to the over sedation effect of Midazolam. So we started a slow wean off. But it backfired. It was clear when we had got half way through the wean off that Clobazam was an effective medicine for Samuel. We were really struggling on the low dose. Samuel was really struggling. So we decided to reverse the wean and go back to the original dose of 5.5mls and I think we will be sticking with Clobazam for a quite a while.


So Sam fans who’ve followed this blog for a while will now the saga of the Ketogenic Diet. We started it over a year ago in the hope it will help Samuel’s epilepsy.  Well he was on it for over a year and while there were the odd times that we thought it was working and helping, it wasn’t consistent at all and it had quite an adverse effect on Samuel’s bowels and weight. So we all agreed to come off the diet. And this week he did. We are no longer on the Ketogenic Diet. It is really sad that it didn’t work for Samuel but the important rule to follow is do no harm, so it was best all round for him to come off it.


After a lot of paperwork flying around and assessments, on Tuesday 3 December, Samuel will be starting school! I can’t tell you how wonderful the school is that he will be going to – it’s absolutely perfect for Sam. He will be going for three days, which will include a weekly hydrotherapy session which Samuel will love. It will also mean that most of the professionals who work with Sam – physiotherapist, occupational therapist, child development doctor, dietician, speech and language therapist (who works with children on communication) plus the wheelchair service, orthotics team etc, will see Samuel while at school – so I won’t have to shlep him around to different hospital appointments. But besides all that the school is simply amazing and provides excellent medical support, so even though I am hugely nervous about it all, I know that once I leave him there, he will be well looked after. There was honestly a time when we couldn’t consider school for Samuel. We didn’t think he’d still be here to be able to go. I cannot tell you how proud we are of him.

See you later alligator….

To do list

So we have a few things that we need to do before the end of the year:

New special bed

We have finally been approved for Samuel to get a new special bed. It will be able to go up and down and tilt at both ends and will be perfect for Samuel. His new big boy bed will be standard single bed size.

School place

We have had confirmation that Samuel will get a Statement (special educational needs) which is no surprise at all! Fortunately it has been recommended that Samuel attend the same school that we want him to go to – it is the only school in the area that can cater for Samuel’s medical needs as well as development needs and it is just a wonderful school. We now have to wait for the school to confirm that they have a place for Samuel and when he can start. When he starts I will sit in on his sessions while the school get to know Samuel and his seizure protocol. The school has a number of nurses on site and the lead nurse knows Samuel’s doctor very well and is in fact studying for a Masters in epilepsy! Once everyone has got to know Samuel, I will next tackle the issue of whether Samuel can go on the school transport – although I will need reassurance that the escorts on the minibus are adequately experienced and equipped for the 25 minute journey to and from school. I’m a bit nervous about that. In fact I am really quite nervous about it all really!

Garage conversion

We are waiting for a start date for work to begin on Samuel’s new bedroom and wetroom. It will make life much easier and more comfortable for both Samuel, us and his carers – especially as we look to have overnight care support. The wetroom will have a shower and Samuel will sit in a shower chair which we can just put him in and wheel him into the shower. It will be much easier than lifting him into his bath chair in the bath as we currently do.

We have decided on a ‘twinkle twinkle’ theme for Samuel’s new bedroom.

Samuel’s birthday party

Samuel turns 3 in November. 3. There was a time that we honestly never thought we’d get this far and to be honest, sometimes we still feel like we want to pinch ourselves. We want to arrange a proper party for him this year and invite his pals and those that love him.

Wheelchair accessible vehicle

When Samuel turns 3 we will be eligible to get a wheelchair accessible vehicle. Samuel will be able to sit in his special buggy and be wheeled into the vehicle and strapped in. We wont have to lift him in and out into his car sit or take out & put together his (heavy) buggy. We have ordered a VW Caddy Maxi Life. And we’ve chosen blue, if you are curious.

Nursery for baby Buddy

When Samuel moves into his new bedroom, we will need to sort out the room he leaves and transform it into a nice nursery for his little brother. Our theme will be Noah’s Ark/jungle animals.

Care plan for Samuel for when baby Buddy arrives

We need to start thinking about care provision for Samuel for when the baby arrives. We currently have two professional care providers – one being Julia’s House. Plus are are lucky to have the very wonderful Auntie Carol and my very good friend Leela who will be coming on board and be trained to be a Samuel carer and official cuddle provider! The tricky part will be the ‘the baby’s on his way!’ time when we have to call people in at short notice. I think I’m more anxious about this than the actual giving birth part!

So the last few months of 2013 will certainly be interesting and busy!

Sam’s Buddy

imageJust a note to say that all is going well with baby Buddy. We’ve had our 20/21 week scan and all is looking good.

Although Samuel’s condition is not an issue with this pregnancy, I’m going to have scan at 30 weeks just for my own piece of mind. My 20 week scan with Samuel was fine, it was only when we went in for a growth scan at 30 weeks did we discover the abnormalities with his brain. I know everything will be fine, but if there are any issues then I know we will handle them. Samuel’s Dad and I make a good team.

And as for Samuel, as long as he gets as many cuddles, if not more, when Buddy arrives then I don’t think he really minds about a new little person in the house!

Ketogenic diet – end of a chapter

You may have guessed from the title, but Samuel will be coming off the Ketogenic diet. He’s been on it since April 2012 and while we’ve had lots of ups and downs with it, we always had the hope that it would really help Samuel. But his weight is starting to stall, he’s not gaining and his poos are looking very yellowy (he is not absorbing his fats, they are coming out in his nappies) like they did last year prior to him losing a lot of weight and us moving over to the Plan B version. There is no Plan C version.

I don’t want to wait until he starts losing a lot of weight before we come off. We need to act now.

Do no harm is the first rule of medicine and care after all.

We aren’t convinced that the diet is helping him now and it certainly isn’t giving him any help during his current wean off/wean on plan.

So Samuel will be coming off the diet. In order to do so we will have to increase the carbohydrates in the diet until they are at a sufficient level for him to move over to a new feed. The wean off will start this week and the dietician has given us a plan to work to.

We feel very disappointed that it didn’t work. We so, so wanted it to work. Plus we might find that we have to replace the diet with a new drug, which I would like to avoid if possible – the diet is counted as a drug – but Samuel will tell us what he needs in due course.

But a new chapter begins. And there are positives for coming off the diet:

  1. Samuel will be able to come off Potassium Citrate (used to prevent kidney stones which can occur when on this diet) and his vitamin supplement (as the new diet will have sufficient vitamins for him).
  2. We will be able to resume sensory tasters – as Sam’s diet is so strict and carb and sugar free, we’ve not been able to give him anything to taste at all (Samuel cannot take feed or medicines orally, but he can have small amounts of food & flavours put on his lips for him to taste). The only thing he has to taste is when he has a suck of his paracetamol syringe and his vitamins syringe as they both taste fruity (but are ok on the diet). But when he is off the diet, we can explore tastes and textures with him.
  3. A new ‘all in one feed’ will be so much easier and quicker for us to make up. Well we will just be pouring it into a feed bottle whereas currently to make a feed, it takes a bit more effort:
  • 54 mls liquid Ketocal
  • 15 mls Liquigen
  • 3 mls of Maxijul (scoop of Maxijul, add 4mls water then use 3mls)
  • 7g Carbohydrate-free mix (add enough water to mix into a smooth paste)
  • Add water to make a total feed of 220mls

So yes it is the end of a chapter, but we are ready to move on and looking ahead positively. It is just the start of an exciting new one after all…

Medicine medley

During my hiatus from the blogging world, we’ve been having a bit of a rejig of Samuel’s medicines. In fact we have commenced a wean off one medicine and weaning on a new medicine. This might not sound much, but it in actual fact it is quite a scary time.

Samuel’s staple medicines for a while have been Clobazam and Vigabatrin, with the Ketogenic diet alongside (which is counted as a medicine). Clobazam has always been a good medicine for Samuel. Strong and effective. But we are weaning off.


Well he’s been on it for quite a while now and the doctors have for a while been muttering that ideally we could look at coming off it in the not too distant future. But it was brought to a head when we realised that Clobazam and Samuel’s emergency medicine, Midazolam, were interfering with each other. These two medicines are like ‘sister’ drugs. They are from the same drug family. And they can affect each others effectiveness as they dull the same receptors in the brain. We know that if we’ve had to give Midazolam and it’s not far off medicine (ie Clobazam) time, then Clobazam wont be anywhere near as effective as usual. Plus, the combination of the two has more recently interfered with Samuel’s breathing and SATs (which has led us to have oxygen at home, which we hope will be a temporary measure).

Thankfully we’ve avoided too many incidences where we’ve had to give oxygen and this has been because we’ve been able to avoid giving Midazolam. Not because Samuel’s seizures are much better, but because we’ve been breaking the cycle of his seizure activity by giving an additional dose of Chloral Hydrate (this is Samuel’s sleepy drug he has at bedtime), which sedates him and most of the time stops things escalating which would usually see him needing Midazolam – plus it is thought that Chloral also contains anti epileptic properties which is another bonus.

So we, well Samuel, is coming off Clobazam and we have started to introduce Keppra. It’s a drug that we’ve not tried before and we aren’t sure at what dose we will have to get to that will be the dose he needs for it to help him.

And how is it all going?

Since we started the wean off Clobazam, things have been very, very rocky. We’ve not felt that we are in serious trouble, yet, but rocky enough to be concerned. The wean on of Keppra is very slow and it is nowhere near at any level to be of any help to Samuel yet.

So we are having to make ourselves be patient. And hold on for the bumpy ride ahead. We know it will get worse before it gets better and that is a bit daunting, but I don’t think it’s anything different from what we’ve faced before. But it doesn’t make it any easier.

Seeing your precious boy every day have a seizure where his body stiffens and twists and he cries, he screams, will never be easy for any of us. So getting the right drug concoction and the right dose is so important. It’s everything.

Medicine trivia

For those interested and ask about what Samuel is currently on medicine wise, here’s an update:

  • Clobazam – twice a day (due to finish early October)
  • Vigabatrin – twice a day
  • Keppra – twice a day
  • Lansoprazole – once a day (for reflux which Sam is expected to have but not sure if he actually does)
  • Potassium Citrate – three times a day (to prevent kidney stones which can happen on the Ketogenic diet)
  • Fruitis – once a day (vitamin supplement)
  • Chloral Hydrate – once a day at bedtime, but additional dose in the day can be used
  • Midazolam – whenever he meets his seizure emergency plan (generally it’s if he has a focal seizure where he stiffens, for longer than 10 minutes or when he clusters and has about 4/5 stiff focal seizures in 30 mins – worth noting that Samuel regularly displays other ‘seizure activity’ during the day but we have to be selective about what we treat as if we didn’t, Samuel would be sedated every day)

That’s quite a lot to put in to one small little boy’s body, don’t you think?

But at the top of his medicine list and his emergency treatment plan there is one important word. Cuddles. And he overdoses on those every single day.

Missing in action

imageI’ve been so aware lately how neglected this blog has been for a while. It’s strange because I think about blogging a lot, I think about what I could, should write about. But I seem to lack the motivation to get in front of a screen and write out how things are and what we’ve been up to. That doesn’t mean that things have been really bad, it’s just there has been a lot on and sometimes I feel I just don’t know where to start with writing it all down. I think I might have lost my blogging mojo for a while.

But I’m hoping to get things back on track and update you with what the boy, our Samuel, has been up to…

See you later alligator.

But it wont be too big a while crocodile. I promise.

Big brother Sam

If you’ve not guessed from the title, we have some lovely news! In January next year, Samuel will become a big brother.

We have taken steps to ensure that ARX will not be passed on again, which is a huge relief and we are really excited to be welcoming another precious little person into our family. We feel like we will have so much to learn when Samuel’s little Buddy arrives as our parenting experience is quite different to the ‘norm’, but we have lots of wonderful friends around who will help and support us.

We know that when Samuel’s little Buddy is here, they will be very lucky to have such a cuddly big brother to snuggle up to!

Fundraising: Children’s pre-loved clothes and toy sale

20130510-162742.jpg17 August 2013, 2pm – 4.30pm

Bradbury Hall at Broadstone Methodist Church, Lower Blandford Road, Broadstone BH18 8DP (The Bradbury Hall is upstairs and there is a lift available)

Come and browse tables of nearly new baby clothes, children’s toys and books and get some great bargains!

There will also be a cake & craft sale and refreshments available.

Admission is £1 per adult – children go free.

Hire a table – If you are a parent and would like to sell your children’s clothes, books or toys that are still in very good condition, you are welcome to book a table for £10 – all the money you make on the day is yours.

If you are a business and sell items that you think our buyers would be interested in, you are welcome to hire a table for £15.

(Sellers need to arrive between 1.15pm-1.45pm to set up – tables provided)

If you would like to book a table or would like more information please email

All proceeds from the hiring of the tables, cake & craft sale will go to Samuel’s Fund to buy equipment and toys to make Samuel’s world more fun and comfortable.

It’s going to happen…

This morning I did something that a while ago I thought I’d never do. I thought I wouldn’t need to do it. Today I wrote our Parent’s Profile about Samuel as part of his special educational needs assessment prior to starting school this autumn. School. SCHOOL.

You may not quite understand the huge significance of this. But let me tell you there was a time that we his parents, his therapists, doctors and professionals honestly didn’t think Samuel would still be here to talk about School.

Samuel starting school.

Bring. It. On.


Samuel’s curved ball

So after a year of plugging away at the Ketogenic diet and getting increasingly frustrated that despite our efforts and making what Samuel’s BUPA carers call ‘a chemistry experiment’ four times a day for his feeds, it didn’t seem to be having any effect at all. But I was so keen to give it as much chance as possible, I would regularly be saying to the paediatrician Dr H ‘could we just give it another 3 months’.

But then we talked about it and I came to realise it wasn’t making any difference and his feeds were a lot of hassle for no result. Plus I wanted to go back to giving Samuel the odd sensory taster without worrying it would ruin the diet. So I emailed Dr H with some urgency saying we wanted to put the diet behind us & move forward & ‘can we start the plan to wean Sam off the diet’ – which he had been suggesting for a while.

Then we had a really good weekend seizure wise. I mean REALLY GOOD. Then we had a really good week, then an almost seizure free weekend (may I remind you we are talking about Samuel. The boy who has multiple seizures every day – could range from anything from 5 to 20 seizures a day). We are now coming to the end of another good week (not seizure free but still bloody good).

Is it the diet? Is it because he’s put on more weight again and he’s outgrown his current recipe? Is it a very delayed reaction to the last diet tweak?

Or is it just a very good patch? We have very bad patches for no apparent reason, so could this just be a good one?

This might all change in a couple of hours and tomorrow could be an awful day. But I’ll take this good patch for as long as it lasts. Samuel has never been one to follow the rules, ever, and in fact that has what has kept him doing so well for so long. It’s what’s kept him here with us much longer than expected.

And as for the diet, think we might just stick with it for a while longer. Who would want to rock the boat when the going has been so good?!!

Samuel news

I realised today that I’ve been terribly slack with my blog posts lately. I use to be quite prolific but I’ve just been so focused on other20130511-175913.jpg things that I’ve neglected the blog. And you. So I’m sorry Mr Blog and our lovely readers and Sam fans.

So, what have we been up to?

Well Samuel got a new buggy a couple of months ago. I had been keen to get a new set of wheels for ages as he’d really grown out of his old one and we felt like we were having to cram him into it every time we took him out. Samuel’s new buggy is called Stingray and is made by R82 and is two-way facing, so while he’s still in the chair we can swish him around to either make him front facing or mum and dad facing. An added bonus of having this type of buggy and being able to make it front facing means he can go into wheelchair accessible vehicles while sitting in it. We are really pleased with it and he looks so comfy in it!


Samuel went to his first every ice skating party recently. It was his special friend George’s birthday party and all the children sat in their chairs and were whizzed around the ice rink. It was really good fun!

We also looked around a school recently. Now there was a time that we never mentioned the S word. Ever. Samuel wasn’t really expected to still be here for us to be considering schools, so the fact that we are discussing when he might start is an exciting feeling. We are totally in love with the school we looked around. It will be wonderful for Samuel. Perfect in fact. It currently has 24 children and has a real village school atmosphere. He will have physio there regularly and hydrotherapy once a week (their hydro pool looked amazing). Samuel would start off by going in for the mornings initially and I can sit in for as long as I feel necessary. We aren’t entirely sure when he will start, it will depend on the paperwork side of things – it might be a bit ambitious for him to be able to start in September, but hopefully we can start going by the October half-term.

We held our first fundraising event last month for Samuel and it was really successful. We were really touched by how many people came along to support us and Samuel.

20130511-181645.jpgSamuel finally met a very special friend for the first time last month. Ethan is a lovely little boy who also has ARX, the same condition as Samuel. It was wonderful to meet Ethan and his mum Naomi. We got the chance to have a good chat and I like to think we have become good friends.

As far as the diet goes, we are now looking at putting a plan together to wean Samuel off the Ketogenic diet. I’ve been the one delaying coming off the diet for quite a while now, but we gave it one last shot and I’ve finally acknowledged that it isn’t making much of a difference (if at all). Samuel started the diet a year ago and although we thought it all started extremely well and I was talking about diet dreams coming true, it didn’t last very long and has been a headache ever since. While I would make up the most complicated, time confusing feeds for Samuel if it helped him, since moving on to the MCT version of the diet, feeds are quite complicated to make up and is frustrating when you put all the time and effort in but not making any difference for him. Not sure when we will start the wean off, I will need to give Samuel’s doctor a nudge to coordinate with the dietician, but we will wean him off and move on to a different feed. We may also look at introducing another drug, possibly Topiramate (he has been on it before). Samuel needs something that has more of a consistent effect to help him. Coming off the diet will also mean we can resume sensory tasters which I must admit I’m really looking forward to. I’m keen now to move forward and put the diet behind us. A new chapter awaits.

Seizure wise, Samuel has been OK. Of course still having seizures everyday, but they have been managable and only occassionally needed a dose of Midazolam. This might also be because we’ve been using Chloral Hydrate (which is Samuel’s sleepy drug at bedtime) now and again during the day when he is very unsettled and twitchy, but not necessarily fitting into the protocol for Midazolam, his emergency medicine. One of Samuel’s medicines is Clobazam which is part of the same family as Midazolam. When we are having bad patches and using Midazolam frequently, it could be effecting the same receptors in the brain that Clobazam uses which means Clobazam might not be as effective as it should  be. So the idea is that if we nip things in the bud early with a 3ml dose of Chloral (there is also thought that it contains anti-epileptic properties which is an added bonus), it may stop the need to give Midazolam later.

Looking ahead we also have a few things to look forward to towards the end of the year.

We are still hoping to have the garage converted into a bedroom and wetroom for Samuel. We are being given a grant from the council who will be overseeing all the work for us. Unfortunately this project has been very slow at getting off the ground, but the technical officer is coming out this week and I’m hoping we will get a better idea of when work will start – but it will probably be around 6 months before anything starts! I must admit that I am finding it increasingly difficult to carry Samuel around the house. I can still manage at the moment, but as he is getting bigger it will become very difficult before too long!

We are also hoping to be able to get a grant to make some changes to the back of the house to make it easier to take Samuel into the garden and for access to go in and out of the house with him.

Another big thing which will dramatically improve things for us is getting a wheelchair accessible vehicle. We have to wait until Samuel is 3 (which isn’t until November) and then we will qualify for the mobility part of his Disability Living Allowance (for those not in the know, the mobility DLA payments will go towards paying for the car). Being able to just wheel Samuel in and out of the car rather than having to lift out the very heavy buggy and a heavy Samuel will make such a difference! But we have to wait until his birthday, so need to be patient!

Life feels good at the moment.